The Chronicles of the Panty Snatcher by, Nicole

There was an old man who lived in Oklahoma named Hunt. He wasn’t just some old man though. Rumor has it that he escaped from a mental hospital. He was insane. Really, really insane. Hunt had many issues. For starters, he has no idea how to turn on a television or how a phone works. When he has to call life alert, he literally calls them by screaming, “Life alert help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”! Hunt’s physical appearance also made him look like a psycho. He was super short and wrinkly. Basically, he was shaped like a rotten peach. He had a beard like Dumbledore that dragged on the floor. Every strand of hair on his body was rainbow colored like a clown. His insanity can be understood though. You see, he was raised in a family with a history of mental disorders. One day, his mother tried to smother him with a pair of underwear. Luckily, the neighbors heard young Hunt scream, “Life alert help”! And this is where his obsession for underwear begins.

            Since that day, he hasn’t seen his mother. Although, his underwear craving grows stronger and stronger every day, it’s always strongest during a full moon. But his obsession for underwear can never be satisfied. Hunt was too traumatized by his childhood experience. So, everyday he ventures out to random houses. Hunt breaks into them, looks for the underwear, and does god knows what to them. For all we know, he could be eating them. Now you may be asking yourself, “Why would he do this”? That’s an easy answer. He seeks revenge on his mother. By going to these houses, Hunt hopes that he can one day find his mother and smother her with underwear. His preferred choice of underwear for killing an individual is a sexy and black lace thong. He likes that he can use the string part of it to strangle someone.

            Hunt likes to go on his panty quests in the middle of the night. Before leaving his house, he rubs pickle juice on his face to get rid of his wrinkles. He then puts on his lucky string thong and dances to 5 Seconds of Summer. After dancing, he takes off his lucky string thong, changes into a nightgown, says a heartfelt goodbye to his One Direction cardboard cutout, and leaves his house to find underwear and hopefully his mother. When he returns home, he puts on the underwear he has collected from his quest that night, and dances with his cardboard cutout.

            One night, Hunt was wandering around in some run down, creepy middle of nowhere town at 3AM. It was dark and quiet with no houses in sight. About 100 miles later, he found a strange and colorful cabin out of nowhere. Hunt decided it would be okay to break in and see what was up. So he rubbed his lucky string thong and went in.

            Hunt crawled through the window and immediately slipped on a bra. “What even”, he said. He put on the bra and a sense of relief came over him as his man boobs were scooped up by the bra. Hunt continued to search the house looking for a sign of human life. At last, he heard a loud fart coming from the bedroom. A green smoke surrounded him and it was deadly like mustard gas. His eyes teared up and before he knew it, he was sobbing with his beard drenched in teardrops. The sound and smell were familiar to Hunt. It was just like his mother’s fart, back in ’89 when she once sat and farted on him. It was nasty. But then he knew, he finally found his mother.

            Hunt froze and thought very carefully about his next move. He rubbed his lucky string thong hoping an answer would come to him. After 10 minutes, he couldn’t come up with anything so he just busted through his mother’s door screaming, “EAT MY PANTIES YOU WRINKLED OLD BANANA PEEL”! His mother was not startled or surprised at all. She looked exactly like that old lady on the Sweet Leaf iced tea bottle.

“OMG, Get out”, his mother said calmly. “YOU’RE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO HUMANITY”!

“NO, YOU POTATO SACK”, replied Hunt.

His mother knew what she had to do.

Before he knew it, Hunt was being tackled by his mother. It felt like déjà vu when his mother was trying to attack him with her underwear and farts again.

“LIFE ALERT HELP”, cried Hunt.

“No one’s gonna help you because you’re a p*** tbh lol”, replied his mom.

“OMG MOOOOOM, YOU’RE EMBARRASSING MEEEE”, said Hunt.

“Stop being a lil’ b***”, his mother said.

            Hunt began running as fast as he could away from him mother. His old, weak, and stubby bean bag shaped legs were beginning to fail him. He frantically searched his pockets to get his lucky string thong. Just as he got his thong out and was ready to strangle his mother, he tripped over his super long beard. Then, a strange cloud appeared over him. Oddly enough, it was shaped like a peach. A really fat and wrinkly one.

“HOLY SHIZZLE STIX!”

Hunt had realized that this was not a cloud. Nor was it a peach. It was the bare bottom of his mother. Before he knew it, everything was dark. He couldn’t breathe. Hunt took his very last breath before a loud and thundering fart came out of his mother’s butt. So maybe Hunt’s lifelong work was for nothing.

His mother plucked Hunt out of her butt crack.

“Why was he wearing my bra”, she thought for a second.

“He don’t got the boobs to rock these”, she said before stuffing Hunt into her van and randomly dropping him off at a petting zoo.